Public Service Bulletin No. 1For those without much senseIssued by The Fiction Factory

Tommy Strader’s The Fiction Factory

Throttle Presents

Profound Insights of an Idiot

A public service for those without much sense. Five practical truths, plainly stated by a spark plug who has personally made every one of these mistakes so you don’t feel so bad about yours.

Watch the film to see if you qualify Or skip to the lessons
  • 0:39 Running time
  • 5 Lessons
  • 0 Sense required
Throttle, a cartoon spark plug in white gloves and a red THROTTLE band, strolling along with a thumbs up
Throttle Is Your Man

*Certification pending. Certifier also pending.

Exhibit A

The Film

Thirty-nine seconds of instruction. Watch closely. If you nod along at any point, congratulations: you qualify.

Now showing: “Profound Insights of an Idiot.” A Throttle Production. Sound on, for the jazz.

Read the transcript
  1. “The more socks you lose, the fewer socks you have.”
  2. “If you put something somewhere safe, congratulations. You have hidden it from yourself.”
  3. “A sandwich is just a meal wearing a little edible envelope.”
  4. “And when the sign says push, pulling is not rebellion. It’s a very brief misunderstanding.”
  5. “Here’s the big one. If you don’t know what you’re doing, do it confidently. And people will assume there’s a plan.” “Unless you’re assembling furniture.” “Then read the instructions.” “Probably.”

The Curriculum

The Five Lessons

Each lesson has been tested in the field by Throttle, mostly by accident. Read them in order, or don’t. That’s sort of the point.

  1. Throttle looking worried, holding up one red sock over an empty wire basket

    Lesson No. 1Filed under: Household Accounting

    The Arithmetic of Socks

    “The more socks you lose, the fewer socks you have.”

    Throttle checked the math twice. It holds.

    Difficulty

  2. Throttle smiling as he tucks something into a small wooden box on the workbench

    Lesson No. 2Filed under: Personal Security

    The Safe Place Paradox

    “If you put something somewhere safe, congratulations. You have hidden it from yourself.”

    Recommended search order: pockets, drawers, the safe place, acceptance.

    Difficulty

  3. Throttle standing behind a giant sandwich so that only his head and shoes show

    Lesson No. 3Filed under: Culinary Science

    The Sandwich, Explained

    “A sandwich is just a meal wearing a little edible envelope.”

    No postage required. Return address optional.

    Difficulty

  4. Throttle leaning with all his weight on a glass door marked PUSH

    Lesson No. 4Filed under: Doors & Their Intentions

    Push Means Push

    “And when the sign says push, pulling is not rebellion. It’s a very brief misunderstanding.”

    The door has already forgiven you. It’s seen worse.

    Difficulty

  5. Throttle frowning with determination as he assembles a small wooden chair, wrench in hand Throttle squinting at a large unfolded instruction sheet beside a finished wooden chair

    Lesson No. 5Filed under: Life, Generally

    The Big One Confidence, With One Exception

    “Here’s the big one. If you don’t know what you’re doing, do it confidently. And people will assume there’s a plan.”

    “Unless you’re assembling furniture.”

    “Then read the instructions.”

    “Probably.”

    Leftover screws are considered a souvenir.

    DifficultyAdvanced: involves reading

Form T-1 Application for Enlightenment Please print clearly. Or don’t.

Do You Qualify?

Tick every box that applies. Be honest. Throttle can’t see you, and he wouldn’t judge if he could.

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Everyone who ticks at least one box qualifies. So far, that’s everyone.

Rewatch the film